Beware the hippies, friends.
Oh, I know they seem harmless enough, at this point; cute cultural artifacts of our not-so-distant American history, with their long hair, hallucinogenics, rock & roll music, tie-dyed t-shirts, and questionable personal hygiene. Most of them eventually grew up and and went on to become the bankers and lawyers and such that they so colorfully railed against as young adults; comfortably greying and nearing retirement, now. But the spectre and legacy of that increasingly distant, youthful revolution yet lives on in our own day, and I need to tell you: the hippies are lying to you.
Now, let me be clear: I myself am pretty fond of rock & roll music, I once sported shoulder-length hair and, though it’s not my bag, personally, I have nothing in particular against tie-dye. But, at the heart of that youth movement in the 60’s and 70’s that became the sound and substance of what we now know as the “sexual revolution” was and is the notion that 1.) Love can be an individualized commodity and 2.) that it is free. But love, if it is TRULY love (and not just a euphemism) - as it is with every other good and precious thing - is anything BUT free. Love is not free; it is profoundly costly. In truth, to aspire to love completely will, more likely than not COST you, completely. If that sounds hard, it’s because it is. But it is also GOOD; worth every ounce of costliness, and more!
Truth be told, marriage is a crucible; wrought in longsuffering, and sustained in God's own grace. Why, one may ask, must it be that marriage hinges upon such miraculous means (and not to mention, eternal ends)?
Because love is patient. And I am not patient.
Because love is kind. And I am not kind.
Because love does not envy. But I do.
Because love is not proud. But I am.
Because love is not rude. But I am.
Because love does not insist on its own way. But I do.
Because love is not irritable or resentful. But, Lord, I am.
Because love bears, believes, hopes and endures all things. And, in the fires of conflict, every fiber in my being wants to cut and run.
There's a profound difference, I find, between parental love and spousal love. There is something almost physiological, biological about the love of a father for his children There is something about the bare, pure existence of the child that COMPELS forth love from the heart of a father. This is a love beyond will, beyond choice. Not so, with spousal love. Spousal love must be CHOSEN, day in and day out; a way of the cross, from which we are consistently tempted to depart.
I’ll tell you the truth: it is in those days and seasons when God has purposed, by his love, or by means of my wife’s love for me, to do the most meaningful, significant work in my heart, that I have been MOST tempted to run. Because when you begin to feel your pride, your selfishness, your impatience or laziness saturate, crumble, and begin to slide off the edge of your heart into the flow of that great river which is love, in the moment it does not FEEL like the gift of freedom and life that it truly is: it feels like death. But isn’t this precisely the miracle of the Gospel of Jesus which we claim? That it is in passing through death, under the wings and in the grace of Jesus - by virtue of the victory and hope of his resurrection - that we find true, abundant, eternal life and blessing, on the other side? Married folks: there are undeniably days when the the costliness of love - both giving and receiving - makes one want to run; to remove yourself from this flow and force that is softening and shaping you, day by day. But it is in the STAYING - the abiding, submission and surrender to the purposes of God, in Love, for you - that we discover the miracle of sanctifying grace that the Lord intends us to be, one to the other.
In binding ourselves to one another in love; as we surrender our simple independence in order to lay down our life for this other person, and to accept from them the gift of their life laid down for you, we are caught up in something as deep and wide and beautiful as eternity itself. Caught up, in fact, into the flow of the very life and love of God himself; for our blessing and for His glory. Always remember this, on the days when the fires of conflict burn hot in your marriage: that God has given you to each other, and the covenant you have entered, as means of this work of holy erosion; refining, softening and shaping you to look ever more like Him, day by day, for as long as your journey of life together may last. To love and look more like Jesus.
The hippies got it wrong: love isn’t free. It will cost you all that you are and all that you have. But the miracle of grace is this: that it is WORTH it! And it is in that spirit and that truth that we have made these promises to one another.